If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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