dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
