i'm signing you up for texting rehab
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Randomize
