I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
