my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
two words...techno handjob
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
