Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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