Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Did I show you my penis last night?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
