wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
