I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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