Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
