I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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