I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
