just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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