I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
