Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
