just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
