i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
