You're my little dorito
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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