I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
