So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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