but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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