Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
