home. puking in laundry basket.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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