just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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