ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
