the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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