My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
