A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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