3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I puked a lego.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
