I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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