I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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