did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
