so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
