I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
