They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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