Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
