Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
