Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
