I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
