I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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