Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
