Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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