I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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