I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
