My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
