So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
