I wannas sexs uuuuu
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the gays at disneyland are vicious
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
