She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
