Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
