oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
