I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
