tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
