Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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