so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
