i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
